Winning an argument doesn’t mean someone’s mind has been changed, it often simply means they have been beaten into submission and these temporary victories may damage relationships in the long run. No one likes to feel like they’ve got it wrong, and when they do, their response can be defensiveness which makes them more resistant to change – the opposite of our intention. Instead, our focus should be on making connections, prioritising understanding the other person’s perspective and showing empathy. This helps to build trust, which is crucial for any meaningful exchange of ideas.

If we are to foster genuine change, we have to resist the urge of rising to arguments. Making connections is a more sustainable and effective approach for changing someone’s mind in the long run. So how do we make connections? Read on…

Authentic expression is powerful. When we speak from the heart about something we’re passionate about, people will listen. People are not hugely trusting at the moment, but we do trust the voices of the people we know. So the small conversations we have with people can make a big impact. Why are you passionate about these topics? What experiences have you had, things you’ve learnt, or people that you’ve met that have made you view things differently? Someone could doubt a statistic, but they can’t quibble with how you felt in a particular moment. Our passion is our power and these stories are the way we can bring others onboard. 

Activity: Take five minutes to ask yourself the origins of why you care about refugee rights. Take a quiet moment alone and write your answers down. We can take it for granted that we care, but knowing the true origins of why we care can be a great source of inspiration and energy when fuel is low in the tank.

When we’re countering opinions different to our own, misinformation or damaging rhetoric, facts alone don’t change minds. Instead we need to change the story totally. It’s been shown that when we repeat what we are trying to discredit, we further reinforce it. So whilst it’s tempting to bust myths, by doing that we’re only giving those myths more airtime. Instead, we need to paint a different picture – and we do that by leading with our shared values. These values might be ones of family, friendship, justice, equality, and social harmony. 

It’s best practice to always assume that people share the same values as you, this way you will make your values seem like the norm. It is also very likely that you do have the same shared values, most of us do, it might just be that right now the other person’s values may have manifested differently. But by recognising the values you both share – your love for your children, your respect for your parents, the importance of your community – then immediately you begin to start breaking down division.

Example:

Statement: “Why don’t people stay in France?”

Response: “I suppose I’d ask myself what safety looks like to me. Sure it’s an absence of danger, but it’s more than that though. It’s about feeling comfortable and accepted, being with friends and family, having opportunity. I wouldn’t really feel safe if I was alone in a country where I couldn’t speak the language and didn’t know anyone. Comparatively, very few people come to the UK, but the ones that do often have family connections or can speak the language so know that they can get to work quicker. I know I’d definitely do the same.”

When it comes to the asylum system, we know what we currently have isn’t what we want. So what does a positive alternative really look like? Here’s the story of what we think a well managed, fair and compassionate asylum system could look like through one person’s experience of it.

Our sense of self is extremely malleable, so when we can find common ground with the person we are talking to, the person we are speaking with is less likely to focus on any differences we might have. Think about your own personal context – are you a parent, a teacher, a business owner, someone in the LGBTQI community?

Can you draw on your own experiences to help humanise these topics and find common ground?

We can reactively change the story – this means when someone says something wrong or misinformed, we can gently present a different perspective. But we can also actively change the story. For many people, the only stories they hear relating to people seeking sanctuary will be on the news, which are often unsympathetic. So it’s up to us to actively talk about refugee rights, to normalise compassion and to actively present a positive alternative. 

This is about actively raising refugee rights during lunch at work, around the dinner table with your family and with friends at the pub.

The biggest factor in the seismic shift in US attitudes on equal marriage was people having gay friends or family members and hearing their perspectives, and worldwide it’s been seen that children are changing their parents’ minds on climate change by simply talking about it, probably over the dinner table.

In another study about how to boost voter turnout, just one in-person conversation had a profound effect on a person’s likelihood to go to the polls, boosting turnout by a whopping 20% (people who were called on the phone or sent postcards were not noticeably more likely to vote than those sent nothing).

So it’s clear that when done well, conversations can bridge divides and have a huge impact. We all know that talking about these subjects isn’t easy. Reaching outside of our echo chambers really isn’t easy. So the most important thing is to practice. The best way to practice is simply by chatting.



When talking to people who’s opinions differ from our own, don’t dismiss their concerns. It might feel frustrating, but meet them where they are rather than where you want them to be. 
Listen and try to understand where they are coming from.

A 2016 study in the journal Science, and more recently a new peer-reviewed study, have proved that by actively listening to a political opponent’s concerns, finding common humanity and essentially giving grace, it was possible to change minds and reduce bigotry. The research shows that if you want to change someone’s mind, you need to have patience with them, ask them to reflect on their life, and listen. It’s not about calling people out or labeling them a racist. This technique is called Deep Canvassing.

The study showed that, remarkably, just one 10-minute conversation which is led by empathy and active listening, could reduce prejudice for at least three months. This study showed the best way to respond to bigotry was to first listen non-judgmentally. Then to ask if the person knows anyone in the affected community. If they don’t, and even if they do, they’re then asked a question like, “When was a time someone showed you compassion when you really needed it?” this question is to get them to reflect on their own experience when they might have felt something similar to the people in the marginalized community. It’s also effective to share our own stories: about being an immigrant, about seeking sanctuary, about being a member of the LGBTQ community, or about just knowing people who are.

This technique offers us a new way of dealing with people in our lives who hold prejudicial opinions – about people seeking sanctuary or anything else. And best of all, this powerful tool is available to everyone – for free.

This might be the first time this person has had these topics present to them like this. By allowing someone to reflect, you are encouraging them to question their position – this seed of doubt is the first step to changing their mind. 

Entrenched political scapegoating and the divisive nature of culture wars means the truth is often twisted or lost entirely. To help you with these courageous conversations, we’re here to set the record straight – here we’ve answered the most common questions and misunderstandings.

The truth is vitally important. But facts alone won’t change people’s minds. Use the above tips to speak from the heart and paint a different picture.

You’re not going to win everyone over. Trust your gut. If someone feels very set in their ways, save your energy and leave them to it.

You can roughly split society into three categories:

1. The people who are engaged and care. These are the people who we should be encouraging to do the same steps as we’re doing right now.
2. The people who are very opposed to immigration and are very set in their ways – these are the people we may really struggle to get on side.
3. The people known as ‘the persuadable middle’ – the people currently on the fence. They’ve probably believed some of the hostile messaging pushed by the government, but they are open to the positive alternative. They are the ones we should focus our energy on.

Speaking up isn’t easy. Always remember to protect your wellbeing, know when to walk away and make use of your support networks to recharge.